I wrote this monologue for my Nan as part of my English Coursework. This monologue expresses my thoughts and feelings about the passing of my Nan. Hope you enjoy :) THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY Have you ever felt empty? Numb? Like if you got shot a dozen times, you still wouldn’t feel a thing… Broken? Lost? Like a part of you was no longer there, taken, gone, missing. Seconds, minutes, hours, slowly passing by. Each day not getting any faster, only longer. Each day waking up and realising I have to face another day without you by my side… that I would never be able to hear your voice, see your face, again, ever. Gone. Out of pain. But, I selfishly wish you were still here. Having to say goodbye and kiss you on the cheek, not knowing I would never be able to do it again, not knowing that was the last time I would see you. I’d never hear your laugh, hold your hand, see your smile again…I will never see you again. There will forever be an unbearable ache, an empty hole in my heart that could never be filled by anything or anyone... my mind knows you are in a better place but I wish my heart would accept it. They say that time is the best healer, but that’s a load of shit. It’s been 10 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours and 6 minutes since your heart stopped beating. The hurt is still there. It will always be there. It hasn’t got any easier. Nothings got any easier and I doubt it ever will. The pain doesn’t stop, not even for a slight second. They say everyone has a time to go… but why you? Why now? These questions persistently circling my mind, and what’s worse, they never will be answered. Our memories are all I have left, all I have left of you. Having looked after me day after day, seeing me grow up, we have a bond that is unbreakable even though we are now apart. You taught me right from wrong, you made me the person I am today and I hope you are looking down on me, proud. Proud of me and who I am. Life without you physically by my side just seems wrong; everything went wrong from the day you died. How can I just accept that you are gone? Because none of this feels real anymore. This excruciating nightmare just never seems to end… I just want to wake up tomorrow and nothing would have changed. It would all be the same. You would still be here and I would be able to live and breathe again. We could play dominoes for hours on end, and no matter how hard I tried you would still beat me. You always used to accuse me of taking the double six and even though I denied it, we both secretly knew I did. I will always remember there was one day when you came to look after me, and you hadn’t even realised you were wearing odd shoes until I pointed it out to you before you went home - one blue shoe and one black shoe. You could not stop laughing; your excuse was ‘it was dark when I was getting ready’. Oh I will miss that laugh, that laugh that made everyone smile because it was your laugh, it was contagious, it was you. Its memories like this that I will cherish with me for the rest of my life, as I realise that no more new memories can ever be made and the reality hits that you will no longer be part of my future. I will always remember you sitting in your chair with your bright red body warmer on, always smiling. Whenever you came into a room you bought so much happiness and joy, I was mesmerised by how beautiful you were, wishing I would grow up to be just like you. You’re the strongest and bravest person I have ever come across in my life. 4 strokes never stopped you from smiling, never stopped you from being you and they never held you back. You were a fighter. You always have been, you always will be. But the 11th January 2011 was when everything changed. When my world came to a halt and slowly started to crumble around me. Your last and final stroke. That one stroke took away your speech, it took your ability to communicate, it took away the Nan I knew and loved. Nothing was the same after that. That one stroke took away the movement in your right hand so you could no longer write let alone speak, there was no way of communication. And after time that one stroke eventually took away your ability to walk. You were just led there, led in a hospital bed, but you were not weak just helpless. I knew it wasn’t really you led there. I knew after that stroke, you would never be the same again. That one stroke stole my Nan away from me, forever. Years and years of pain and suffering. One step forward two steps back. And just when you think everything’s about to get better, something always goes wrong. There are no words to describe the feeling of being told someone has days to live. Knowing that the next morning you could wake up and they won’t. I was there every day after that, watching over her bedside, it was so hard to just leave, to get up, kiss her cheek, turn my back and walk away knowing that could be the last time. And on 22nd August 2014 that was the last time. When someone close dies there is an unbearable heartache, a heartache that can never be cured. It feels like everything just stops. Time stands still. You do wish that time would stand still. Maybe even rewind. You don’t know what to do with yourself. Shocked. Upset. Angry. You don’t want to accept that they are no longer here. Because the hardest thing is acceptance. To accept that you will never see that person again. To accept that they are now gone and they are never coming back. Change. Change is a scary thing and I wasn’t ready to re-adjust my life after you died Nan. I didn’t want anything to change and I wish nothing had to change, but wishes don’t always come true. I mean, I still cry now and then, because I miss you, because we’re apart. Because I’m here and you are there. All I have left is our memories and your ring I wear every day. But I know you will still always be with me wherever I go. Always in my heart, always looking down on me, always shining bright, the brightest star in the sky.